the horror and the joy

I intended to post this closer to Valentine's Day, but things rarely work out the way we anticipate they will, do they?

I apply the term “being in love” differently than most people do.  I love a lot of people, but I think that being in love is something deeper and stronger and isn’t necessarily romantic.  To me, being in love means that you would give anything and do anything for another person.

There have been moments in my life that I have been so overwhelmed with my love for someone that there’s really no way to even express it.  There’s nothing the explicitly depicts or describes or defines true, deep, love.  We have taken the love out of so many things that it’s difficult to even know where it is anymore.  What is love?  You can have sex without love, you can get married without love, you can have children without love…and even if you do all of these things with love there’s no guarantee that that love will remain.  So how can we trust it, how can we know it’s there?  Words and actions and legal documents aren’t the answer.  People lie, people cheat, people make mistakes and do all kinds of things that make anything they say or do an unreliable way of knowing.

So where is it?  Where’s love?  Because it is most assuredly there.

Love is in all the secret, quiet moments.  It’s the things that only you see or feel or notice.  It’s the look in someone’s eyes or the way they touch you.  It’s in a hug or a kiss or a smile.  There’s a connection being made.  It’s secret and it’s silent but it’s very real.  If you think you felt it or saw it or heard it then you probably did.  Trust your instincts.  Love is so much simpler than tv and music and movies want us to believe it is.  It’s easy to love and if you open yourself up to it, it’s easy to be loved.

The moment your heart breaks is the moment you realize how deeply and honestly you loved.  The moment your heart breaks is the moment you feel the impact of giving yourself over to it.  It’s impossible to really know or understand your love until your heart is broken.  It doesn’t matter who the love is for or how your heart was broken.  The point is that it’s not really real until you feel your heart breaking.  When someone stops loving you this doesn’t make your love any less real or valid.  In my experience I’ve found that when someone stops loving you it really has no effect on your love for them at all. 


And when that love is gone, hold on to those moments.  You know what they are.  You don’t have to explain to anyone else why they are important or significant.  They are yours and they are special.  Even if the love has died and the person is no longer a part of your life, the past still remains.  The love you felt then is still apart of you.  Those moments are still special and important and it’s ok to hold onto them.  It’s good to remember that we have been loved.


When I look back it’s sometimes hard to see the love that’s been in my life.  Someone may say they love you then a while down the road tell you that they never meant it.  Is that the truth?  It might be, but it probably isn’t.   You could see it then, one sentence doesn’t erase all the love you’ve been seeing and feeling and hearing.  You know what’s true.  Remember those moments.  Those sweet, secret moments, love was there.

"Love actually is, all around"- Love Actually

with love,

amanda

ps. I know that this was long and kind of scattered, so if you made it to the end, thank you!

happy 1 month anniversary to me and Louisville!

Today is my one month anniversary of living in Louisville.  I feel so at home here, it’s hard to believe it’s only been a month!  My life here is everything I wanted it to be.  I try to have very little expectations in life because I’ve come to find there is not point, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fantasize about what my life here would be like.

By moving here I was taking a big gamble.  I quit a great job, left a school that I loved, moved out of an apartment that had very fair and understanding landlords, and left my family and friends behind.  I drove down here with almost no money and no job.  Someone asked me the other day if I was scared when I moved given the aforementioned circumstances.  The answer is no.  I knew that moving down here was the right choice and I also knew that God would provide for me.  And He did.  I never worry and I will continue to live my life that way.

It’s weird how all the sudden you wake up one morning and realize you are an adult.  Where did the time go?  Here I am living alone, working, going to school, paying all my bills and in a brand new city!  It’s amazing how life changes and evolves.  I can’t wait to see what's around the next bend because I know no matter what it will be challenging, exciting and will force me (one way or another) to grow.

So if you think you think you're not big enough or strong enough or smart enough or old enough or good enough, you're wrong.

with love,

amanda

it's not about moving on, it's about moving forward.

Over the past couple of months I have been in some sort of transition stage of my life.  It’s funny how you never really realize that until you have actually transitioned.  Throughout this process I have been learning a lot about myself.   I think one of the most exciting and important parts of life is getting to know yourself.  At the end of the day, no matter who you lay down next to you are only you and you are alone.  And that’s perfectly ok.

I’ve recently realized how precious my own body and mind are.  I’m going to start taking better care of both.  This is it, this is all I’ve got.  There’s no going back, there’s no re-do.  I’ve had horrible things done to me and I have done horrible things to others.  I can regret these events, but what difference does that really make?  I think the difference is where I go with them.   And forgetting them is not the answer.  The things that leave the biggest impression on us are often the things we want to erase from our memories.  But by these events, people and places have changed.  They were important for better or for worse.  There’s a safe place somewhere in your mind, put it there.  Keep it there.  Take control.  Then, let the goodness wash over you.   Feel it, breath it, let it in.  When you think you’ve lost, there is no doubt, something to be found.

One of the most beautiful and wonderful things about life is that there are so many chances to start again.  I’ve been given a fresh start more times than I probably deserved.  It’s not always easy to see it that way, but I’m trying.   If there’s one certainty about life it’s that nothing is certain.  Everything is constantly changing.  I guess we have to do our best to just try to keep up.   Keep evolving.  Keep moving forward.

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we are free to do anything” –Fight Club

welcome to my blog :)

hey! thanks for checking out my blog. there's really no specific purpose for this other than it's something i always wanted to do. i have all kinds of rambling thoughts in my head and hopefully i will be able to channel them into coherent posts. we'll see.

so as winter and a host of other things come to a close, i am beginning something new.

the first "real" blog is coming soon so check back!

thanks for reading and i hope you enjoy what's to come.

with love,

amanda